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Nearly Relevant
Nonsense, Fiction, and Miscellaneous Things
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Rose Bowl Parade

"WHAT DO YOU  MEAN WE FORGOT THE CONFETTI!!!!!!!!!!!"

"SOMEBODY . . . HIT THE EMERGENCY SWITCH!!!!

The loudspeakers, which are stationed throughout the parade route, begin blaring an inspiring version of 'New York, New York'© as sung by Frank Sinatra.   2 or 3  elderly adults faint after overexerting themselves while cheering for Buzz Lightyear®.
Dog-Paddling Straight Through Time
   
    
I enter the auditorium hesitantly.  I walk over to - what appears to me  to be - an official.  He's dressed in a maroon dress shirt, light gray dress pants  and a light gray tie.  A ID badge hangs at the bottom of the purple , V-shape ribbon draped around  his neck.
     "Hi." he says, as I approach.
     "Hi.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.", I say.
     "You're 'au courant', right?  21st century?", he asks.
     "Yes." I say.
    
"You need to go to the other end of the auditorium.  You see the long line there?  That's where you need to be."  He segues.  "Congratulations ," he says, "congratulations guy ."
     A humongous smile distorts my face and  I blush with joy and content.  I smile, I shake his hand, and thank him.  I can hardly believe my luck- 'au courant', 21st century.  Of course, I'm grateful and relieved.
     I proceed to my destination through an ad-hoc corridor formed in the center of the auditorium as people from other eras- from the 6th century B.C up to the present - populate the auditorium's sides.   Many of them are chatting, unaware of my presence.  Others see me and smile or give a wave as I go along.  I'm happy to smile and wave back.
     As I approach the line for 'au courant' there is a preponderance of people who seem either self-absorbed or jocular.   The self-absorbed are quietly preoccupied. The jocular are - well - jolly.  It's a joy to see their  smiles, hear their laughter, note their glad-handing; 
There's plenty of glad-handing.  I notice standing in line, a swim instructor I  once had.
    
I break into a trot in order to reach the line a little sooner.
     Quite unexpectedly, a
flood smashes through the auditorium walls.   We are all knocked off our feet.  At first people are flailing,  decourm is embarrassingly impossible to achieve.  Shortly, we regain some kilter and float, swim, or dog paddle our way to presentable.
     Unfortunately, many people of the ancient eras weren't the best swimmers.  Apparently, they hadn't had certified swim instructors.  They suffered the most.
     I don't know how - through all the centuries - they managed to make it this far.


"Yes sir,  your question."

.  .  .

"Abracadabra ."
"Next  question  please."

.  .  .

"If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the Mooor-oooor-ning"
"Yes sir, your question."

.  .  .


"That's correct.  Two suspects are in custody and a manhunt is underway for the third.   We believe the third is a rhinoceros and as such the officers involved in the manhunt  have been armed with elephant guns."
"Next  question please.  Yes ma'am."


.  .  .

I pause to think then spell out the answer.  "S. A. T. . . U. R. . . D. E. Y."
"We only have time for one more question."

.  .  .

"Good question.  'If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be doing this.', is the correct answer."



World Series 2015

     I just don't think the Mets can be blamed for losing when they're playing with 8 men on the field versus Kansas City's playing with 10 men on the field.  Somehow Yoenis Cespedes - playing for the Royals - has been penciled in as playing for the Mets.
The Proudest Salutation
                              
                        Ptooooooooooey!!!!!!
1940's Hooey

     Colonel, I have some wery waluable information concerning our nemesis 'The Church of Everlasting Grace'.

     Excellent operative 3D234.

     May I remind sir, until this operation is over I am to be known as Doreen.

     Of course, of course.   Please proceed Doreen.

     Is the Colonel up to date on our arch obstacle?

     Yes, of course.

     Excellent, we wouldn't want any insufficiencies or demerits concerning our efforts. 

     Of course not, but it is you who need to be aware of insufficiencies.  Afterall, I'm not the one with the 'wery waluable' information now am I.

     Yes sir.  Shall I scramble my communications?

     Yes, good idea.  Should the higher-ups find out we're idiots we'll be pole-axed for sure.

     Grrrrckk grrrk  ggggrk  grkkkk.  Ggggrrk ggggggk gkkkkkk grk.  Gkkkkk, gkkkk gk.

     I see.

     Grrrrrk grrrrrrk grk grrrrrrrrrck.

     Uh-huh.

     Grrrk grrrrrrkk grk grrrrrrrrr.  Grrrrrrrrk gkkkkkkk gck gcgkkk.

     They are apparently smarter than we anticipated.  Can we produce a propaganda film in which . . . oh, say a mandrill or other chimp - Nazi-inspired and outfitted - saves his fellow chimps, lions, tigers, etc;  In short he saves the world because he's a strong and heroic Nazi mandrill?

     Of course Colonel, excellent idea.   I have yet to understand why you have not been promoted to Major.



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