My dad has always said that people don't generally change as they get older they just get more the same. As I watched my mom's cancer progressively take her health and memory but not her optimism, lack of complaining, concern for others nor her inner graceful elegance I began to better understand what "more the same" means.
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I volunteer with our local hospice. I recently received a call that a patient was "actively dying" and would like a hand to hold. Fortunately I had time available. When I opened the door to her room she smiled, beckoned with a hand and invited warmly "Please come in!" A facility staff member arrived within seconds of my arrival. The staff member adjusted the patient's pillows and swabbed the patients mouth to moisten it. The patient responded with a sincere, "Thank you," and an, "I love you." The staff member replied affectionately, "I love you too." The patient slept for a few minutes and then seeing me upon awakening gave a happy, "Hello!" not remembering she had greeted me prior. This scene repeated a few more times and left me feeling equally welcomed each time. The patient appeared to have discomfort, as evidenced by her restlessness not by her words. Human connection and calming touch seemed to ease that discomfort. However, I am sure I was equally - if not more - benefited by being in her presence. I have wondered if my brief time with her was a glimpse of her "more the same"? My guess is that her sweet, welcoming, loving personality as she was actively dying is an indication of how she actively lived.
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A few months ago I was asked to visit a different actively dying hospice patient. When I entered her room she greeted me and offered her hand in a way that seemed to me to say, "I cannot offer you food or drink but I would like to offer you something so I am offering my hand." Like the other patient, she too was in apparent physical discomfort - but no mention of that was made. We talked about music and nature and family. Throughout our visit she emanated an inner graceful elegance so much like my mother. Meeting her left me with a better understanding of true dignity - a seeming sense of the great worth of souls, hers included. She was frail, weak and physically dependent on others for many things, yet she was one of the most dignified persons I have ever met.
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Years ago a down-the-street-neighbor told me that she was talking about me to her husband. He did not know who she was talking about. She said, "You know the tall brunette with three sons?" He replied, "Oh - the lady that wears overalls and rides a razor scooter?" She was laughing as she related this to me. I laughed with her but my thoughts were: "hmmm my mom is 'graceful and elegant' and I am 'overall wearing and razor scooter riding.'" I mentioned this to my husband when I got home. He said, "You choose to wear overalls and ride a scooter. You can change that if you want, but is changing what you want?"
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When my mom was showing me, by example, what "more the same" looked like my friend and I had a long discussion about our current paths to our future "more the same." We both decided there were things we wanted to change. Wearing overalls and riding a scooter were not on my list (though my boys growing up kind of took care of that on its own). Waking up immediately pleasant was on my list. My whole life I had said, "Give me 5 minutes to wake up before talking to me." Now, I am happy to say, that 5 minutes is no longer necessary.
I have plenty more to work on but it is nice to see progress is possible, and even nicer to have people in my life who are examples of how I aspire to become.
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